Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
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[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats