If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on