Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
You Might Also Like
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?