Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
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What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.