I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
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The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.