My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
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She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.