@DarkerWillow

My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

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@Cornjerker78

Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?

Me: I can and do.

@SketchesbyBoze

did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,

@dogfather

*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*

@daemonic3

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

@zachary_lampley

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

@CornOnTheGoblin

[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”

@mrtruthandsoul

I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.

@joeljeffrey

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.