My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.

You Might Also Like


Me: How are you?

Neighbor: Can’t complain.

Me: I can and do.


did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,


*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*


Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?


ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*


[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”


I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.


I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.


The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.