@murrman5

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

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@huntigula

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

@surrealvehicle

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

@Brianhopecomedy

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

@impaulmccoy

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

@DanMentos

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

@therepoguy

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

@HavocMantis

Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.

@sofarrsogud

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.