why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
You Might Also Like
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
[on a first date]
“Have [gestures across the whole menu] whatever you want. I hear the McRib is particularly excellent this time of year.”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow