why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

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“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]


My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.


i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right


I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.


Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”


Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans


If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”


Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.


Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.



INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.