No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
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🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
i prefer mine room temperature.