DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
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Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
LMAO.
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Just as the prophecy foretold
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
🤣🤣🤣
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
security at the airport getting more straightforward
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.