LMAO.
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Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”