the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
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DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Pigeon open mic night.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.