My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
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“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Him: You were supposed to do something about the groundhog under the deck.
Me: I did. I named him Lord Melbourne. He likes Cocoa Puffs.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
[Me as a boxing commentator]
ME: Oh no, they’re fighting again, this is just like last time
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy