Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool

superterriblemorningexpialidocious

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”

I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.

I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.

Bourbon.

My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds

The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist

[making out]

ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*

GIRLFRIEND: omg really?

ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.

This is why you don’t eat at everybody house

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this

Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*

I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.

I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.

I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.