Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
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me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!