Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.
But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.
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Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
They delivered 70 boxes of snacks and water for our summer program. I unloaded 3 hand trucks in like 15 min. The delivery guy gonna say “I was gonna ask for your number but you too strong and independent I’d rather just tell you we’re hiring” 😭😭😭😭😭
~At a snowboarding store.
Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.
Me: i know
Him:…
Me: Wait, what, oh the board…
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
If Nostradamus had been any good he’d have called his book of prophecies ‘Predictive Text’.
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Important reminders
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?