me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
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My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*