me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
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People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
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I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
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