ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
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Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Am I having a stroke?