Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
[breakfast]
ME: please pass the egg snow and the toast ketchup
WIFE: *reluctantly hands me the salt and jelly* you are really something else dude
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
awkward
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.