Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
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The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
dutch is not a serious language
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…