The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
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A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
she would like to bark at the manager, please.