YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
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Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.