Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
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If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.