My zodiac sign is pistachio
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Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Roses are red, you always mattered,
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.