ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
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We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
“I’ll just check.”
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car