my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
You Might Also Like
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
There is no “we” in pizza
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Hey Fugeddaboutit
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing