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Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
Put the is in disheveled
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Proctology is located in A55
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey