@TXrednation1

Hey Fugeddaboutit

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@StephiHill

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

@DebraTheWigLady

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

@brain_freeze_

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

@UncleDuke1969

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

@DirtMcTurd

6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you

@daemonic3

[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok

@robdelaney

I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”

@sanjanaa

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?