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Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.


The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.


Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs



DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.


ME: Night, sweetheart.


Her: Did you just ask that woman out?

Me: Yes…

Her: And? What’d she say?

Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”


Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?


6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you


[1st day as IT guy]

CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?

ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok


I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”


Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?