I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
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Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
what are they serving at kfc then???
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Happy thanksgiving!
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*