Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
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“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*