Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
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Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.