Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
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Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
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* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.