Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
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I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.
Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
He-man has a Masters degree
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
Worth a try
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers