Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
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Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Waiter: Ready to order?
Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.
Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Things that keep me up at night #6874
The time my mother decided to be a wing woman (wing aunt?) for my cousin at my uncle’s funeral…
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
This pepper has seen some shit