He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
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me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no