I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
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My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home