“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
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Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Ah..makes sense now
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters