There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
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It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.