bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
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When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence