Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
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My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.