*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
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[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
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Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.