*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
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[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Become a minion. Get that bread.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.