Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.

Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots

Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy

Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?

Me: it means active at night.

Daughter: like Batman?

Me: yes like Batman.

Daughter: dada?

Me: yes?

Daughter: am I nocturnal?

Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.

Daughter: am I Batman?

Me: what?

Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.

stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once

People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.

Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.

Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.

Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.

Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.

I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life

Dog: that is correct

me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]

Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.

interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?

Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.

ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

A haiku about getting the kids up for school:

Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.