*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
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Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.