Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…

….vocabulary.

After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:

“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..

Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.

Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!

If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.

[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.

My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me

my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious

[christmas break with my extended family]

*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!

him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral

my wife: not a problem

him: sorry i meant 10

my wife: plenty of wiggle room still

peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig

Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”

Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?

UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?

Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?