Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
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Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Ummm
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂