Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
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Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Cat: What are you doing?
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Me: oh bugger!
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.