Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
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Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
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[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.