@NotKarma

Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.

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@c8h10n4o2m

Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

@fro_vo

me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”

the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this

@tastefactory

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

@basic_afbitch

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

@TheAlexP

Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”

Me: *looks up from phone*

“What?”

@Jeffwni

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

@djdarrellripley

Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.

Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…