Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
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Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?