Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
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I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!