Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
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ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
Brilliant!
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
They did not miss in the small print
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
good for her
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”