Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
You Might Also Like
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
A family that plays together cheats.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.