9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
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A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists