Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
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Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I did not eat the cake…
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
How can I say no to this ?
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Gross if literal…Liverpool
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party