Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
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Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.