– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
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Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?