*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
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My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
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Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?