People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
You Might Also Like
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I’m listening
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
jesus christ confetti not now
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭