As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
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“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
*Inspirational Tweets*
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman