it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
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Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Can’t, holding a grudge
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Home #decor warning.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.