DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.