Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
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I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back