What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
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I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?